Co-Parenting and Mother's Day: Practical Ideas for Separated Parents

It’s not the first time her left-of-centre co-parenting solutions have inspired the group. Indeed, it’s one of the reasons I love bringing parents together, there’s so much wisdom to be shared.

It was several years ago when this conversation happened. In my own life, I was busy preparing for a huge birthday party for one of the kids, we were about to start our next intake for our Co-Parenting Intensive Reset, and I had several conference presentations looming large. The very idea of trying to stop to be “spoiled” for Mother’s Day was causing me more stress than I had wanted to admit.

At dinner that night I spoke to the kids. “What I would like most for Mother’s Day,” I told them, “Is to have it two weeks later. On a Saturday. Please and thank you.”

The relief I felt in choosing a day that suited me was enormous. It went on to be the best Mother’s Day I’d ever had. 

Learning how to be family across two homes is a steep learning curve, and certainly one that challenges many of the societal norms and expectations. And all of that is happening whilst you’re experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions, with anxieties about the kids’ wellbeing stealing your sleep, and anger and grief snatching at the moments where you were hoping for respite.

So this is your reminder that you have permission to write the script your way, and cultivate the family traditions that you care about. 

Life has turned a little upside down. It can be a fresh opportunity to really evaluate what you want to hold onto.

For what it’s worth, here’s some ideas from me:

Think about what you want Mother’s Day to be about, for you. 

Remember that the people around you cannot read your mind (even if you wish they could). Ask yourself: Would you rather be angry that you have to tell them? Or mad that they didn't figure it out and didn't give you what you wanted?

Tell. People. What. You. Want.

Politely, assertively, kindly, warmly - and most importantly: clearly.

Reflect on what worked and what didn’t. If there was anything your co-parent did that you appreciated, let them know. A brief expression of gratitude helps them know they’re on the right track so that they can do it again.

If there was anything that didn’t work out the way you hoped, make a plan for how you’ll start bringing about the change you want to see well ahead of next year’s day. And if you need any help with that, we’re totally here for you.

The mother of your child may not be your favourite person right now. It’s okay if you have a truckload of complicated emotions on this one.  

Caring about this day is not about what kind of Mum they were/are/aren't/could/should/would be.

It's about your freaking massive love for your kids. It's about protecting their relationship with you as well as your co-parent, fostering a sense of safety in the world, reducing their burden of "divided loyalties", and teaching and modelling how to honour a relationship with someone who is significant to them.

Help your kids think about what they love and treasure about their mum. Tell them positive, beautiful memories that you've observed of her parenting. Share in their excitement as they plan their unique ideas for her. The more your children can talk openly and positively with you about their mum, the more secure and safe they feel with you.

Allow them to share their excitement with you about what they're planning. It's fantastic for your child to be in touch with how much joy there can be in celebrating and expressing gratitude towards someone else.

Spend some time thinking about the strengths your co-parent brings to their mothering. If you're struggling, ask your close friends to help you connect with what those might be.

If you can do this with genuine warmth and authenticity, write your co-parent a note that honours her mothering of your children. But in case she doesn't want to hear from you directly on the day, send it early.

If your Parenting Plan involves changes to shared care arrangements on Mother’s Day, remember that this day is all about her. Keep out of her way, be on time for all handovers and make it smooth for her, even if you don’t believe she’d do the same for you. Because those actions actually aren’t about her at all - they’re about your kids, and the way you show up for them.

One of the crazy things about "Special Days" is the amount of driving around trying to make everyone feel "Special", and all the "Special People" feeling more frazzled and exhausted than ever! 

When I became a mother, a great thing my mum said was, "Mother's Day is about you now. I've had my turn." We still celebrate her, of course. But we do it in a way that doesn't compromise me and makes sure that I have a wonderful day.

It’s okay to ask your family to honour the new traditions your two-home family are building together.

If the thought of navigating “Special Days” like these feels like a mountain you can’t climb, I’d love to help you get there. Whether it be helping you establish a Parenting Plan that replaces the guesswork with clear, calm boundaries, or inside our Co-Parenting Intensive Reset where we build the toolkit and skillset for thriving through co-parenting, we’ve got you covered. 

In the meantime, my wish for you is that your voice is heard, your needs are met, and that life gifts you with more moments of laughter, warmth and joy than you ever imagined were possible.

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