Co-Parenting Success is Not About Your Kids Being Happy

He chooses to keep all the activities – whilst repeating “I hate having to get ready early!!”

“I know.” I say kindly, “Are you willing to have those feelings you don’t like so you can do the things that matter to you?”

He gets out of bed and starts getting ready.

I have told this story often in my work with families as an illustration of the true kaleidoscope of emotions involved in each moment of being human. When parents come to see me, I always ask them what it is they hope for their family and their children out of our work together. Almost without fail, there is some variation of “to be happy”. Our society presents “happiness” as though there is some kind of dichotomy where we can be “happy” or we can feel “other emotions” – with happiness being the desired goal. But the reality is emotions are transient and don’t occur in isolation – we can experience a multitude of emotions at any given time.

I remember years ago the engagement parties for two couples in our network fell on the same evening. Both were fabulously happy events, we were delighted for both couples. We felt happiness that we had these wonderful friends who had found each other; and joy that we could go to their engagement parties. We also felt frustration that we couldn’t be in two places at one time; guilt that we left one early and arrived at the other late; and exhaustion at the end of the night (and I was pregnant – so there were swollen ankles too). There was no option where we could just be “happy”.

Now I’m much older and my back isn’t what it used to be – I can do my yoga stretches every day and be mostly pain-free, or I can not do them and be mostly in pain. If I take the time to do my yoga, I miss out on other things I could be doing with that time (sleeping in comes to mind). How do I solve this problem to ensure I am “happy” at all times?

I remember a decade ago being in Disneyland, “the happiest place on Earth” and even there I wasn’t just “happy”. It was amazing. It met – no, it exceeded – my every expectation. But was I “happy” the whole time? There were moments of exhaustion, hunger, panic… And the entire, magical two days we spent there were also tinged at the very edges with sadness because I knew that this special time with my young children would only happen this once and there was no way I could make it last forever.

And the reverse can also be true. Check out the beautiful illustration of this from Pixar’s 2015 movie, Inside Out:

When we seek to keep our children “happy”, we race to solve their problems, and soothe their frustrations, before they have a chance to develop their own coping and resiliency skills. In this process they instead learn a dangerous message – that they should actively avoid any emotion that isn’t “happy” – that if they feel anything else, it is somehow dangerous, wrong, or something faulty with themselves. Children begin to experience anxiety and fear at the very idea of experiencing anything other than “happiness.” This sets up impossible expectations, and it’s hard and heartbreaking for parents who have only ever acted out of love and care for their most precious little people.

Understanding that happiness is the wrong “end goal” is especially essential as parents navigate separation and life across two homes. It's crucial to acknowledge that children will naturally experience a broad spectrum of emotions, and there’s no need to rescue them from this human experience.

The end of a parental relationship can bring profound moments of sadness and fear. It’s okay to make time and space for this, knowing that this is also the seed of a beginning — the start of growth across two homes where different rules, traditions, and expressions of love foster resilient adaptability in children. This is the pathway to two healthy halves of one vibrant family. The sadness of what is lost is real, as is the potential for many moments of happiness and health.

Additionally, children often move between joy in one home whilst longing for the other. It’s a delicate dance of presence and absence, where happiness and sadness often coexist. This isn’t a flaw in the fabric of family dynamics but rather an inherent part of loving deeply across two homes. The task for parents is to affirm for their children that it’s okay to love one parent fully while achingly missing the other. It teaches them that their emotional world is vast and capable of holding conflicting feelings in a harmonious balance.

Steven Hayes, co-creator of Acceptance & Commitment Therapy, explains it this way:

Adapting Steven Hayes' perspective to the realm of co-parenting invites us to redefine happiness. It's not found in the ceaseless pursuit of joy but in living a life aligned with our values — even amidst separation. It’s in teaching our children that happiness is not the absence of sadness but the presence of meaning, purpose, and fulfilment across all facets of life, including the times they navigate between two homes.

As separated parents, there is freedom to be found in giving up on shielding children from their own pain or sadness, knowing you serve them best by instead guiding them through it. Life is richest when we embrace all emotions as part of our journey, learning from each one. We teach resilience not by chasing happiness as a constant state but by modelling how to live fully in each moment, guided by our deepest values.

By shifting the focus from a singular pursuit of happiness to a broader aim of living a values-driven life, we empower our children. We help them build a foundation of emotional intelligence, resilience, and the ability to live a life of purpose and meaning, not limited by only permitting themselves to have the emotions that feel fleetingly good.

So, as co-parents navigating the beautiful, sometimes painful journey of raising children across two homes, I encourage you to redefine happiness. After all, there is no option to just be “happy”.