Identifying Autism Improves Co-Parenting for Two-Home Families - An Expert in Co-Parenting and Human Behaviour Tells You Why
April is Honour Autism Month. Well, technically, it’s named “Awareness” month, but I don’t think that goes anywhere near far enough.
This may seem off-topic for a co-parenting blog supporting separated parents to raise their kids together. Stick with me, though: it may be critical to reducing conflict with your co-parent, even if you don’t know it yet.
I'm not overstating this: it has the potential to change everything.
Many Autistic adults have never known they are Autistic because (to be blunt) they never caused enough of a problem for other people (often by masking at a huge cost to themselves) and never had exposure to the lived experience of the Autistic community to know they were not alone or broken - that they were a neuro-minority.
I have witnessed many relationships that ended in part because the couple were not aware they were in a cross-neurotype relationship, and that their conflict was grounded in cross-neurotype miscommunication.
For far too long, everything we learnt about Autism came through the lens of “outside looking in”. Neurotypicals (also known as Allistics) defined what it was to be Autistic. The problem is they didn’t know what they didn’t know - and they didn’t acknowledge that. This meant the people who were diagnosed with "Autism Spectrum Disorder” were the ones who were “causing problems” for the Allistic neuro majority.
This has had enormous implications for the Autistic community, including:
- Creating a vast stigma that Autism is a “disorder” that needs “fixing,” sending many Autistic people into hiding, masking and experiencing crippling shame.
- The responsibility was on the Autistic person to learn to behave as a neurotypical (often through intensive, traumatic interventions) rather than Allistics also engaging in the work of empathic understanding of someone who experiences the world differently.
- Misperceptions and myths that have been deeply hurtful to the Autistic community (such as the woefully inaccurate myth that Autistic people do not have empathy).
- Lack of awareness and sensitivity to accommodation needs that resource the sensory profile of Autistic people (Autistic meltdowns are most often a distress response that can be minimised when their needs are accommodated).
Why This Matters to Co-Parenting After Separation
Both Allistic and Autistic people have been hurt and harmed by all the information we didn't know. Parents, children - all doing the best with what was known, but no idea how much was unknown.
A person who has never had the opportunity to learn they are part of a neuro-minority may have:
- A long history of unremitting anxiety and/or depression.
- Always felt a sense of being “other," with no explanation for why.
- Felt terribly misunderstood because they miss nuances that seem obvious to others but see patterns, pathways and possibilities that most people don’t seem to notice or care as much about.
- Carried huge guilt, shame and confusion about their preference for unfiltered, direct, clear communication and the difficulties in understanding the undertones of implied but unstated meaning.
- Repeatedly been wrongly classified as selfish, unthinking and uncaring.
- Been misdiagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or other misapplied pathologised labels.
In the years that I have been working with separated parents, I have witnessed even the most seemingly high-conflict co-parenting dynamic recover to collaboration and cooperation once both parties understood that one of them was Autistic - a neuro difference, rather than the disordered pathology that one or both of them had been assuming.
We don’t have the statistics for how often a relationship ends due to cross-neurotype pairings and unidentified neuro divergence, but my prediction would be a great number. And given its genetic link, if other members in the family are Autistic, ADHDers, Dyslexic or Dysgraphic, the possibility of neurodivergence for the parent should definitely be explored.
There will be plenty across social media this month about Autism - I encourage you to take the opportunity to read and listen to Autistic voices speaking of their lived experiences - and stay open to whether this has any relevance to your family.
Here are Some Options to Get You Started
- Unmasking Autism, Dr Devon Price (Social Psychologist)
- Different, not Less, Chloe Hayden, who you might recognise from Heartbreak High (also see her YouTube channel)
- The Neurodivergent Woman Podcast, Monique Mitchelson (Clinical Psychologist) and Dr Michelle Livock (Clinical Neuropsychologist)
- Onwards and Upwards Blog, Sandhya Menon (Educational & Developmental Psychologist)
Finally, you’ll notice I’ve used “Autistic” and not “with Autism.” The majority of the Autistic community prefers the person-first language convention. However, you should always use the language convention that the Autistic individual requests of you.
Want to help your kids feel safe and supported after separation? I created a free guide to walk you through the first eight weeks. Grab your copy here.
Looking for more tools to protect your peace while co-parenting? DOORS CLOSE TUESDAY FEB 25 for our March Co-Parenting Intensive Reset
- Feel calm and in control
- Cut yourself out of the conflict
- Use strategies that actually work (with or without your co-parent)
Tiffany Rochester
Co-Parenting Coach
Tiffany is a pioneering force in transforming family life after separation, taking the stress and turmoil out of co-parenting with an ex. Equipped with advanced degrees in Psychology and twenty years of dedicated service, she passionately supports separated parents to bring ease and simplicity into raising children in one family across two homes.
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