Is Your Co-Parent a Narcissist?

In my time working with separated families, I have heard the diagnosis thrown around far more than the number of narcissists I've actually met (and yes, I've certainly met and worked with them).

More often, what is labelled as Narcissism turns out to actually be:

If you're reading this, and the heckles are going up on the back of your neck, and you're ready to argue that in your case, they really, truly are a narcissist - stay with me! Keep breathing.

It is worth ruling out all of the other possibilities first. And if it's your co-parent, you are probably not the one who can do it - you are too close, and likely far too hurt.

You just might be inaccurate about what the root cause is.

And this is why it matters:

It matters because all of the above possibilities are infinitely changeable, and if we stay open to those being possibilities, it doesn't even take long to achieve major change. It is much, much easier than co-parenting with an actual narcissist.

I have seen dynamics shift from high-conflict, mandated therapy space to high-collaboration and low-conflict co-parenting purely by understanding that one party is Autistic (and therefore has a different communication style), or just has never had the opportunity to develop effective ways to communicate and resolve conflict with their co-parent.

Narcissism can lead to horrible behaviour, but these are not horrible people. People with narcissistic tendencies are incredibly fearful. They are frightened of being alone or of meeting disapproval. They will do a lot to try and keep people near them (whatever the cost) and avoid admitting any possible fault that might result in loss of status and public opinion. So separation and divorce can be terribly triggering for them - it's terrifying.

They can have a high need for approval, recognition and reward; and may have difficulties soothing themselves when distressed. They may have empathy but lack sufficient skills to express it. At their core, people with narcissistic traits can believe they are unlovable - and they hope to heck no one ever finds out.

Can you imagine how hard it must be, to be inside that skin?

In Therapy and Coaching spaces, we help people gently remove their armour and explore what is underneath. As you can imagine, because of their high level of vulnerability and fear, those who are narcissistic find this completely terrifying. They may appear to engage at the start - but as soon as we push a little deeper, it rapidly becomes too much to bear, and the process often ends rapidly and somewhat explosively.

The experience with those who have been mischaracterized as a Narcissist is strikingly different. Those who are actually just poor communicators, hopeless at conflict resolution, or an unidentified neuro-minority can appear difficult to engage at the start. After all, they're usually genuinely highly distressed, angry and confused by being so terribly misunderstood.

However, in a supportive therapy or coaching space, these non-narcissists engage with sincerity and a desperate desire to change and be better understood.

But you'll have to stop fighting them to get there. All of us can look the same when we are under threat.

Managing a co-parenting relationship with someone you suspect is a narcissist is complex and exhausting, and you have a long road ahead of you. This is why you seriously want to make sure there really is no other explanation.

It will be important that you are very well-resourced. Honestly, you'll want to equip yourself with a co-parenting coach, likely an excellent long-term therapist for yourself and strong social support. It will be important for all of your support network to understand what you have to do to safeguard good outcomes for you and your kids - because often their instincts will be to give you advice that would feel good to do but will make your situation worse.

Narcissists rarely stick with therapy themselves - as mentioned, it's just too terrifying for them. You can waste time hoping they're going to change, but that won't empower you. Instead, focus on caring for you and your children, and using strategies to get the best that you can out of the co-parent you've got.

Honestly, these strategies will likely help no matter who your co-parent is. However, they are essential if your co-parent is truly a narcissist.

Praise often and loudly: If your suspected narcissist co-parent does anything helpful (no matter what motivation), it is imperative to keep them on a high (and perhaps public) praise ratio. Let them know you are pleased. Let positive words about them get back to them. Tell the children how much you value any positive aspects of their parenting. Remember, you are not doing this for the sake of the narcissist, you are doing it to make your life easier, and that of your children.

Address concerns concisely, kindly and privately: If you need to raise a topic with them where they are likely to feel threatened or worried about losing approval, it is essential to be kind and careful with your words to keep them out of the threat zone. Corrective feedback is best done without an audience. Keep feedback short and unemotional, and avoid personal criticism (stick with descriptors of the behaviour). Send by email so that they do not need to respond directly to your face and can take time to process and reflect in private.

Will this be enough? No, if they honestly are narcissistic, you will need more than this.

Our Signature Program, the Co-Parenting Intensive Reset, is designed for any parent who wants to bring ease and simplicity into their co-parenting experience. Here's how it can specifically help you if your co-parent is narcissistic or high-conflict.

Reclaim: With a narcissistic or high-conflict parent, energy is often focused outwards to avoid triggering them or the next blindsiding. In our Reclaim Pillar, we reorient your attention back to your needs, wants and values - and what to do about them. This is what will powerfully sustain you in the years ahead.

Reconnect: There are the awful words and actions of your co-parent that have hurt you. There are also the reactions inside you to those awful things: the time lost in rumination, anguish and anxiety, feeling weighed down and overwhelmed. Inside our Reconnect Pillar, we support you in reducing the suffering that comes with being in the firing line of these behaviours so they have less hold over you. This returns fuel to your tank and hours to your day.

Redefine: With a narcissistic or high-conflict co-parent, the strategies that will help you can feel incredibly hard to do. In our Redefine Pillar, we unpack strategies for knowing and doing “the hard but right thing” - where “right” is defined by YOU and the values YOU choose. You will learn effective ways to care for yourself and your kids when you’re feeling triggered. This will build your power and strength.

Reimagine: Inside our Reimagine Pillar, I teach simple and powerful ways to predict and shape the behaviour of your co-parent. I will show you how to reduce conflict and stress across the family system, never compromising you. This is when you will see how it is that I promise to bring ease and simplicity to co-parenting.

You can find more details of our Signature Co-parenting Intensive Reset here.