Surprising Lessons in Resilience and Self-Care for Co-Parents
I found this tree in our summer travels and wanted to share it with you. Truth is, I’m always captivated by trees that look like this. I can’t promise I won’t share more.
Some of life’s greatest beauty and richness are born out of unpredictability and adversity. It mightn’t look textbook, but check out the gorgeous nest of safety this tree has created as it’s adapted to grow and thrive. When my boys were little, they would've built a cubby in there!
This tree hasn’t wasted time giving f*cks about what a good, conventional tree is supposed to look like. It hasn’t taken time to ponder whether the wind will ever stop so that it can grow straight like it dreamt about as a seedling. It’s just got on with being flexible, adapting, and being damned gorgeous no matter what.
There is one key thing it had to do, though
To counterbalance the immense pressure it's under, this tree had to cultivate strong, deep roots. It has taken the time to dig down to find rich nutrients to keep it sustained whilst it withstands the most relentless wind.
What a symbol of resilience, hey?
I had a conversation with a parent recently, like countless others I’ve had before. They shared with me how exhausted they were, and how much they knew they needed help - that if they actually just invested in themselves, all the other issues, particularly the complex ones around their kids, would be So Much Easier to manage.
“I know what needs to be done,” they said, “I’m the centre. I’m the one who has to change.”
I knew the “but” was coming.
“It’s just that money is so tight right now, and I literally can’t afford the services I need.”
Oomf, there it is.
They’re not wrong, let’s be clear. The economy is tough right now, the cost of living is skyrocketing. But it was time to call bullsh*t.
Because here’s the thing: that parent has always found a way to meet their kid's complex needs and a truck tonne of their wants - no matter the cost. One way or another, this parent resiliently and resourcefully finds a way to make sure their kids get the very best education, health care and resources to thrive.
They are a seriously awesome and inspiring parent.
They just don’t do it for themselves.
They consistently fall to the bottom of the pack. When resources are tight, their needs are the first sacrifice.
Sound familiar?
Of course it does. There are times that’s been my story too.
It’s a lie that costs each of us thousands.
You are the best damned resource your kids have. You are the centre of their world. You’re the best person to teach them resilience, the greatest one to soothe their tears, the most wise and knowledgeable and if you are running on empty? You can’t do it.
You can’t get away from being human.
Your energy, your emotional reserves, your time - these are not infinite.
So here’s my challenge - my invitation - to you.
Give yourself permission to dig your roots deep and find your nutrients. Permit yourself to take the time to stretch to the most fertile ground. Invite yourself to spend money on yourself, knowing that in doing so, you are making the best cost savings possible - strengthening your awesomeness, so that you can be the parent you most care to be, providing that safe place for your children to grow in, just like my gorgeous tree.
Isn’t that sneaky?! If you put yourself first, you are actually still putting the kids first anyway. You’re just doing it in a better way.
At least, that’s my opinion.
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Tiffany Rochester
Co-Parenting Coach
Tiffany is a pioneering force in transforming family life after separation, taking the stress and turmoil out of co-parenting with an ex. Equipped with advanced degrees in Psychology and twenty years of dedicated service, she passionately supports separated parents to bring ease and simplicity into raising children in one family across two homes.
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